Ikigai Read online

  I decided to work some more on my art final instead. I could call Avi at any time, but it was coming up on my graduation and I needed to have the piece finished. I painted the natural green for the base coat of the grass, which I was going to make as realistic as possible and took my time layering whites and dark greens over it to mimic the bending grasses in the little picture Avi took. By the time I had moved on to working on the flower the sun was setting. Whoops.

  I dabbed my paintbrush in the yellow-orange paint just as my phone rang beside me. I carefully picked it up and pressed it against my face.

  “Hello?”

  “Um…. Hi. Is this Mitch?” Her voice sounded familiar, but I couldn’t quite pin it down. I could remember talking to her before, but not why and it bothered me.

  “It is. May I ask who this is?”

  “Right. It’s Esther. I’m Avi’s older sis-” A gasp cut her off, as if she’d been crying for some long amount of time. “I’m Avi’s sister,” she almost sobbed.

  “Right! Hi. Is… Is everything alright?”

  There was a silence, like she was being forced to say words she never wanted to say. I could hear her trying to say the words, but no sound escaping her lips.

  “Esther?”

  “He’s gone, Mitch. He’s…” She started to cry again, only more heavily. I felt my heart drop in my chest. I felt like I was having some estranged nightmare and nothing I did would wake me up.

  “You’re lying. Please tell me you’re lying. Please!” I was starting to hyperventilate. I dropped my paintbrush and my phone and let my arms wrap around my body. I felt to helpless. All I wanted was for him to come running through my apartment door to hold me like I’d held him a few days earlier.

  This wasn’t fair.

  Why would he leave me like this?

  How did we get here?

  How did everything get so wrong?

  When did it get this bad?

  How did I get to this point?

  Where is he?

  I needed him now.

  Chapter 10

  Doesn’t matter

  I sat alone in a room, surrounded by his crying family, and holding a shoebox. I had run out of tears in the few days it had been since he left me. I sat next to Esther, who seemed just as drained as I was, and twice as distraught. She spent half of the funeral with her hand on mine. As much as I didn’t want to human contact, I knew she was trying to be helpful, so I let her stay.

  “Do you want something to eat?” Avi’s mom, Shelly, was carrying two plates for Esther and me, but neither of us could stomach food. We just sat and watched everyone else eat. At some point, I got tired of hearing his distant relatives talk about how he was such a good boy and how he died too young and he hadn’t even gotten married yet. I hadn’t realized how angrily I was looking at them. It wasn’t until everyone got on the topic of him having kids that I knew I couldn’t be there anymore. This wasn’t about his possible future. This was supposed to be a celebration of what he was, not what he could have been. I had never been so mad in my life. I got in my car and screamed. I literally just screamed until I cried and cried until I screamed. There was nothing left to bring the light into my life like he did. There was nothing keeping me grounded. I dried my face and drove home. I figured Esther would still have Avi’s phone, so I texted my whereabouts and quickly made my way home before my body could find the hydration to cry again.

  My apartment was so empty without his laugh echoing off the hard wood paneling and the ugly, paint stained walls. I looked down at the box Avi left behind and I was almost too afraid to open it. I sat it down in the center of my table and decided I would take a sower first. Even showers were lonelier without him bursting in with a water gun full of cold water. I took a longer shower than usual and just let my brain settle on all the information it was given and all the pain I was feeling. Part of me just wanted to sit down in the water and somehow drown in it.

  I left the bathroom and threw on what ever of Avi’s clothes I could find in my apartment. I ended up in his favorite mosaic Bear Fruit shirt and a pair of black basketball shorts that were too big for me. I decided I didn’t need to straighten my hair, since no one was going to see me for a few days. The box was taunting me. It sat there with Avi’s show size on it’s side and a small cartoonish figure of his favorite black converse. I decided I needed to see what was inside before it kill-

  Bad word choice.

  I slowly pulled the cover off the box to see a piece of paper covering Avi’s camera and a bunch of the pictures he’d taken of me while I wasn’t looking. I carefully unfolded his letter and took a deep breath before looking at the words.

  Mitchell Coby Michael Grassi,

  I’m so sorry. I know if you’re reading this I didn’t make it out of the hospital and that’s some bullshit! I was gonna marry you some day! Anyway, since the probability of you having to read this is high, there is something I wanted to tell you that I never got to.

  When we met, I would never take pictures. They were never good enough, that’s why I did film. I wanted to capture something perfect, but the only thing I found worth a still frame was you. Just the little things you do, like how you casually model while you’re eating and when you tilt your head when someone says something funny. There were so many things you did that were just perfect and I… I guess I won’t get to capture them all.

  You’re going to have to find another boyfriend. For the record, that hurt to write down! I love you a whole lot! I mean who’s better for you than me? Don’t answer that. You can’t. This is on paper. I’m stupid. What I’m trying to say is…

  You’re the only thing that kept me fighting to get better. Even when I was my sickest, just thinking of you gave me hope for a miracle. These three years have been wonderful, but I know you have your whole life ahead of me.

  I love you,

  Avriel Benjamin Kaplan

  I had to do everything in my power to not get tears on Avi’s beautifully written letter. I could tell in the words he was just trying to put a smile on my face. I decided to change my final. I went out and bought a new canvas and dedicated all the time leading up to my final to capturing Avi with my paint brush the same way he captured me in photographs. Beautifully, simply, and with a face I knew was unique to me.

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  Author’s Note

  Thank you so much for reading my first published work! I had a lot of fun writing this and I would really appreciate a review in whatever store you found this in. I’m really glad you read it to the end! Please don’t be afraid to visit my Wattpad for more writtings and watch my Twitter for more updates in the future. Thank you so much, again, for reading to the end and I really hope you enjoyed Ikigai to the fullest. See you next time!